The Night Shift

They woke me up at 3:21 a.m. wanting to play Rock-Paper-Scissors and Monopoly.

"Seriously? Now? Can't we do this another time?"

Not quite awake, I appeased them by rolling over in bed and reached for my iPhone, my new way of writing down scenes when they come to me at odd hours. The bright screen hurt my eyes. My fingers seemed too big for the small touch screen. Because of all the mistakes, it took me twice the time to write as it usually does. Before long however, my brain clicked into gear. I caught up to speed (woke up) and realized the brilliance of my characters and why they needed to wake me up for this "game playing."

My body tensed and it seemed as though I couldn't keep up. For at least twenty minutes, my main character took center stage and directed my fingers in the dark. She weaved scenes, thoughts and dialogue into a seamless piece of work. She took me back to her eight-year-old self, sharing deep-rooted pain and longings. Her childish games and poor life choices made sense to me now. Brilliant pieces of her life wove themselves together, and I, the lucky recipient, gladly took them all in - her beautiful tapestry of heartache and loss.

I turned my cell phone off and rested it on the nightstand. In that brief twenty minute encounter, I came out with the last scene and sentence of my novel. Time well spent. Childish games played in the wee hours of the morning will fuel my writing for a very long time. 

Balance

I've never wanted to be defined by having perfect organization and order in the house. You won't find me jumping at the chance to wash dishes right after dinner. My world won't end if you open my refrigerator and find a rotten tomato. I will put off dealing with a pile of dirty clothes if sunshine and fresh air calls me out to my flower garden. Chores don't necessairly get done daily, and I almost guarantee that my "To Do" lists have never been completely checked off.

By deciding to commit myself to blogging and writing a novel, I have further tipped the struggle for balance in my life. Days go by, and I don't even think about going to the grocery store until the cat's food looks better than what we have in the refrigerator. (I may actually consider eating that rotten tomato, after slicing off the black mold of course). Instead of a ferocious two-hour workout in the gym, my exercise routine now consists of a twenty minute walk with Steve a few days per week (this part needs to change!!). Scheduled appointments and volunteer hours are now "side notes" instead of anticipated main events.

Although I haven't yet struck the balance that feels right to us, I celebrate that we don't live in squalor and the commitment to writing remains strong. I love my writing time. We've found that we can get the house looking pretty amazing in less than an hour. My large flower garden will still bloom, even with less of me. I may have cancelled my scheduled dental cleaning, but as long as I brush and floss - not a problem! Balance and organization will come, and when it does, it will be a side note. In the meantime, I'll be writing.

Demons of Doubt

My office door is open and the 21.5" blank canvas sits in front of me. The vertical cursor, 5 mm in length and at the top left side of the screen, counts the passing seconds. One, two, three, four... My fingers rest on the smooth keyboard. Another day and an opportunity to get this story out of my mind and onto the screen. One step closer to sharing it with the world. I just need to take it one page at a time and oh, what if it isn't good enough? What if it doesn't make sense? Who am I to even think I can write a novel, at least one worth reading?

They sneak up when I least expect it. No one else hears because they are mine. Everyone has their own. Some of them whisper in raspy voices, others shout and taunt. "Who do you think you are?" They lower our confidence, challenge our abilities, and if we listen for too long, we can end up believing them. The demons of doubt fight for victory in our minds. "It's just too hard," they say. "Give up now. You don't have the talent. You're fooling yourself if you even think..."

No bigger than trolls, four of them stand before me. They wear black t-shirts, their names printed in large white letters across their chests: You Fail, Why Try, Give Up, and Idiot Fool. They jump into my lap and we take a spin in my office chair. Twice. They fight their way to the desk, sending notebooks flying, pushing against each other as their dirty fingers tear up the keyboard. Before long, the screen is filled with jumbled words, phrases and a go-nowhere story that's as good as trash. Satisfied, they turn to face me, breathing heavy with wide, open-mouthed grins, their squinty eyes blinking. One, two, three, four...

I stare at the flashing cursor and close my eyes. Part of this creating means learning to live with and silencing the demons of doubt. They are my own fears. My own critics. Some days are so difficult! But, this story will be told. Do I have the talent to write it? Maybe or maybe not. I definitely don't have the education other novelists have. Maybe I'll make embarrassing mistakes along the way, but those will be mine to make and to learn from. I have the perseverance to tell the story and will tell it in any way I can. It definitely won't be easy, but it is always worth the fight.

I get up and walk out of the room, the demons following close behind. As soon as they clear the doorway, I spin around and jump back into my office and slam the door. Their cries are immediate, desperate, and they scratch and pound the door, cursing me for keeping them away. Without me, they die. Without them, I live. My story continues.

Favorite Fiction

I'd love to curl up with some really good books this spring/summer while writing my novel. Looking for posts from anyone who would like to share their five favorite fiction reads. I enjoy reading mainstream fiction, current best sellers, and of course, the classics. Not much "commercial fiction" in my library, but who can resist genius Stephen King! My personal preference is a blend of women's fiction with other genres. I hate the idea of boxing books up into one genre. Anne Tyler, Jodi Picoult and Anita Shreve are a few favorites. However, any good coming of age novel or one focusing on social pressure or family and moral issues usually holds my interest.

If you write, read what you write, right? Right! I can't even imagine trying to write a romance or science fiction novel. It would be a huge waste of time - disaster! - and I'd be no better off for having done it.

A few books on my summer reading list are:


The Weight of Water by Anita Shreve
The Road by Cormac McCarthy
Water for Elephants by Sara Gruen
Lone Wolf by Jodi Picoult


This summer you won't find me with a Kindle or e-book. Can you really curl up with a Kindle? Wouldn't that be like trying to hug a goldfish? Give me the real thing (preferably hard back), a cozy chair or hammock, and good lighting. I want a story to own itself. It needs to have its own space, not shared by anything else but the reader. Stories are like people. They are individual and have names and lives going on inside their covers.

Well, more on that subject later...

I look forward to hearing from you with your five favorite works of fiction!

First Blog: Now What?

Quick introduction: female, married, homemaker, and soon to be forty 42 years old, living in Idaho (Go Boise State!). I have three almost grown children. Just call me 'mom,' soon to be 'empty nester.' I don't clip coupons, haven't gone back to work, and hate to cook (but will). I enjoy gardening, flowers - not veggies and admit to using Facebook at least once a week (but only to keep in touch with family). The musings of a housewife will not be covered here. You'll need to find another blog for that. Time to begin a journey to find the me I never fully developed. What a scary, thrilling and much needed decision - to tackle myself head-on!

Where will the rest of my journey take me? I shudder at the thought, because I really don't know. For starters, let's just say, I don't start small. My first goal: write a novel. Ouch. After I finish the book, my next goal: get it published. Go on Oprah. Make the Bestseller List. Why couldn't I start out with something small, like letter writing. How about keeping in better touch with friends and family through email? Armed with an associates degree, a small office crammed with lead pencils, books and a Mac computer (thanks, Steve), a new birth awaits. The birth of my literary self. 

Good news: I have completed my novel outline (no easy task) and read several books, including, "Writing the Breakout Novel." A link is at the bottom of the page if you are interested.

Last time I saved my novel's first draft: page thirty-two. Only a thousand plus more words to write! I may not make all of my goals, but then again, anything is possible.

My motto: Go for BIG, take a DEEP breath, and JUMP. But, have some kind of a plan before you take off. You might end up changing directions, but at least you did some initial planning first.

Hope you join me as I blog my way through 2012!